Marriage Diaries. Blinded by Mr Faith.

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Recently my dad has turned up the pressure in my household about getting me married and around the same time “Mr Faith” decided to walk into my life.

“My Faith” not my usual type but his mystery intrigued me but most of all he was a man of faith.

Everything about him encompassed what a “good muslim husband” would look like. He went on his own islamic journey separate from his family therefore it wasn’t intervened with culture.  

I swoon naturally when a guy tells me he prays, but this guy lived and breathed islam.

It was Islam in it’s pure holistic form from spirituality, behaviour, etiquette and career choice.

It wasn’t a thing on the side but it was a way of life and I wanted to be that person to learn from him and grow in my spiritual journey.

I guess I had a romantic idea of being his Khadija.

I got blinded by faith.

I’m ambitious and live life fast paced, he was more of the reserved quiet type but we shared a few hobbies and enjoyed each others company. This was the ultimate story of opposites attract.

I went with the flow naturally at the start but by date 3 and my situation at home I couldn’t just carry on as we are, so out came the serious marital questions and as we talked and negotiated etc, I really thought this could be it. As I was being shown suitors every other weekend at home I needed to tell my family about this potential. This was the first time I ever did and was a huge deal for me unlike Mr Faith who would get families involved asap as it wasn’t a big deal to him and I guess it was his way of keeping it halal.

I thought by the point of families meeting he was sure of me as I was of him but oh how blind was I.

So our families met and I generally thought things were okay until I asked him as he wasn’t a very good communicator. He told me he wasn’t 100% sure about me and basically thought that long term our personalities were not compatible and he found himself adjusting too much to me. We had a few days to think over and both came to the conclusion to go our separate ways.

I’ve however been reflecting back on what happened and been questioning why I let it go on for as long as I did.

As much as I hate to admit but I think I was settling for deen.

It’s a weird one as you’re told to choose a man on his faith and that’s what I was doing. As I was agonising over the decision if I wanted to fight for this or not I also struggled with the idea that I was about to choose duniya over deen if I didn’t choose him.

Next year is also shaping up for me to be big career wise and I was left wondering if this man would support me in my dreams and therefore if I let go, was I about to chase the world then chase someone who could help me become a better Muslim?

I always saw him as the gift that Allah SWT brought into my life. Not someone I wanted necessary but someone I needed to help me fix up but that’s exactly it. There is no shortcut to “fixing up” that’s where I was going wrong. If I want to improve as a Muslim, yes a pious spouse would help.

The hard truth however was that me and him are at different parts of our Islamic journey and maybe it would have been too much of a struggle for us. I kept telling myself to keep the faith. The faith is what made me over compromise on a lot of things.

I was choosing a life of potential hardship because I had blind faith that if I marry for deen it will ALL be okay but that’s the thing we have to balance this world with our akhriah. It can’t just be one thing or the other.

You want someone that fits you perfectly not someone that adjusts to you and you adjust to them as I think both me and him were doing. He wanted it to work out and I really wanted it to work out especially due to the ticking pressure at home (my Dad has already booked time off in the summer for my so called wedding) I wanted to make it work so BADLY with him that I overlooked our incompatibilities too. I saw deen as EVERYTHING, I saw it as the thing that will make everything okay.

This chapter has just taught me that don’t settle for religion, work on yourself and don’t see someone else as the short-cut to you becoming a better muslim. Only you can work on YOU.

I’m not going to lie it’s shit that this isn’t going forward. Those few months invested in someone, opening yourself up, being vulnerable, imagining that future you could have and it’s just poof gone, no more but it’s a common story and I’ve decided I’m not going to look myself anymore, so no more muslim dating apps or single events. I’m going to just stay open minded to the suitors my parents present me and I’ll be sure to share my journey.

 

Follow Barfi and her Rishta Stories @barfijalebi

 

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